prudence

  My mother was married four times, divorced once. It doesn't sound all that good when you write it down. Her first marriage ended in divorce and she never spoke of that. I can only recall one occasion when she pointed out a man that, as she put it, was the father to my two brothers. I don't recall a name or anything much else about that. All I do know from that marriage was that he was a catholic, Mom had become a catholic, and after the divorce she wasn't a catholic anymore. That's about it. 

  Her second marriage was to my father. With him she had my sister and I. That would have been in 1951 and 1953 respectively. She remained with him until 1990, when he passed away. She then met and married a gentleman by the name of Ken. That was in 1994. Ken passed away just three years later in 1997. Her final husband was Joe. I'm not certain of the year he passed but it was well before Mom. Mom passed in 2021. She did live a full life that much is certain. And the thing is, she had many names over that lifetime. Beginning with her maiden name they were, Bennett, DeCristofaro, Thursum and DeFelice. Her Christian name was Ruth Lorraine. 

  Now mom was a crafty person, always busy knitting, crocheting, sewing and sometimes even painting. It was during her time with Ken that she took up oil painting. She gifted me three pieces of her artwork, all framed very nicely, and I have one of them hanging on my bedroom wall. The other two are stored safely away for now, I really don't have the wall space to display them. But I noticed the one in my bedroom this morning and the initials in the corner, RBT. That would be, Ruth Bennett Thursam. It came to mind that I would be one of the few to know that. That's when I thought I had better write it down, perhaps on the back of the painting, to ensure others know after I'm gone.

  I am thinking about all the names she had. It's something the ladies would understand completely but I think us guys don't really think much about that. We are born with a name and keep that name our whole lives. Yes, we often use a nick-name but I'm talking about that surname. Unless we go to the courthouse and specifically request a name change, it remains. In more modern times some have chosen to go the hyphenated route. I can see that although it seems a bit awkward to me. Guess it is that chauvinism in me. But whatever the case may be, I see her initials on the painting but to me , they are wrong. They should be RBR. After all, she was Ruth Reichart when I was born! Seems like that should count. 

  I have never thought much about mom remarrying after my fathers passing. It does seem like a natural thing to do. No one wants to spend their life alone, we all need company. Well, at least my mom didn't want to be alone, that was a part of her personality. A strong, independent woman? No, that isn't how I would describe her.  Oh, she was no push over, she wasn't a wallflower that much is certain, and capable too, just not happy being alone. Can't say that I blame her for that. Despite all the name changes, she remained the same person. The name on her headstone is Ruth DeFelice. Few would know any of the others I suspect. 

  I don't know why this came to mind this morning as that picture has been hanging there for years now. I'm thinking it is simply because I'm wondering if my sons would know that. Family history is often clouded over time as the "kids" aren't really paying attention. I can say for certain there were many things I just wasn't paying attention to. I had great aunts and uncles, relatives right there in town and was never even aware of them. A few of them my mom would go visit and I still didn't make any connections. That is especially true with the Mrs. Just who were they before they were Mrs? Didn't know, didn't think to even ask that, she was just Mr. "whoevers" wife. It doesn't seem fair when you think of it that way. 

  It's a rather strange thing to write about your mom and her private life. I do feel like I might be telling secrets. But, it isn't a secret is it? All of that is a matter of public record if you want to go search for that. I can say from experience however, it isn't as easy as all that. Lots of information is hidden in plain sight! Each state has different rules regarding releasing personal information, even after the person has passed. Marriages and divorces are a part of that. Both are simply recorded with the court and tucked away. You will be asked to produce those documents on occasion, but very seldom. If you don't tell, many would never know. 

  I can say with certainty Mom wouldn't be happy about this! It isn't anything she would talk about! Is this a betrayal? No, I don't think it is, it is a simple telling of the facts. Not making any judgements, drawing any conclusions from any of that history, it is just history. It's difficult to think of your parents as just people. People with private lives that you know nothing about really. Parents didn't do the same dumb stuff you did. They didn't act like that! No, they were born mature, responsible people that always did the best thing for everyone else. If they had done anything wrong, they certainly had learned their lesson and repented. I heard my mother cuss once, it was a shock! Well, she was getting older then and it was probably a medical thing. Old people start doing that sometimes. 

  So I'm writing about the secret life of my mother. You could put it that way I suppose and perhaps I shouldn't be doing that. Will I write about my own secrets? Well now that's another story altogether isn't it? I wouldn't mind doing that, but I don't want anyone to read it until after I'm gone. That's a bit of a cop out in my estimation. I'm afraid of what? Putting tarnish on a memory? It is what others remember of me, that will define me in the future. Do you get to create that memory? I don't think you do, although you get to omit a few things to make the story a bit more, shall we say, harmonious. Does truth tarnish the past? Seems that way, when it is personal to you that is. Isn't that called vanity? I'm calling it prudence. Yeah, I'm going with that.